Ask Amy: Daughter pays for mother’s abusive behavior
What do you think?
– Gaslit?
Dear Gaslit?: I think this only qualifies as gaslighting if you actually believe that you’re the “bad guy.” You don’t believe this, because you aren’t.
The only thing I think you might have done differently would be if you had altered your own wording when responding.
Instead of saying that your sister-in-law’s remarks about your mother were “offensive,” you might have said how this made you feel: i.e. “Now that mom is gone, I feel so sad continuing to hear about how awful she was to you.”
I believe that speaking the truth about abuse or toxic behavior of family members (even after they have died) is valid and can be helpful – even if it brings up painful feelings. Doing so can help people resolve the sometimes impossible duality of being the child of an abusive person.
Your mother treated people badly. And yet, she was still your mother.
For your sister-in-law, talking this through in therapy (instead of with you) is exactly what she should be doing.
A skilled therapist will help her to figure out who the “bad guy” is and should lead her not to punish you for your mother’s sins.
You have been extremely kind and gracious to her in the past, and I hope you will continue. You also have every right to hold your own good memories of your mother; it sounds like you are lucky to have them.
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