ArcaMax

-- Heartsick in PA

Dear Heartsick: I'm not a therapist. But I can see a pattern building. Even if you are not telling me an objective version of this story, it seems like a bad situation for you.

Anyone who sets up secret accounts to monitor you -- and also friends of yours -- is not someone who respects your right to have relationships and friendships with other people. I don't believe you should try to "fix" this relationship.

And I hope you don't expose your children to this craziness.

Dear Amy: One of my bachelor friends has run into a problem that has me stumped. He is into online dating and seems to run into the same situation with many of his dates.

They meet up for drinks or dinner, and he is happy and prepared to foot the bill. Though by date six or seven, after dinners, plays, movies, etc., none of these women have ever offered to split the check or pay for one thing.

I personally find that appalling, but we can't think of a tactful way to handle this.

Suggestions?

-- Stumped

Dear Stumped: One way around this is to plan low-cost outings, such as walks, hikes, or museum visits. Your friend might be initiating all of these dates, which would make the woman more likely to assume he is treating.

But this is also the ideal situation to test a couple's ability to communicate. By the sixth or seventh date, your friend should be brave enough to say, "I notice you seem to expect me to always pick up the check. Are you willing to share the costs when we do something together?

Dear Amy: "Protective" was wondering how to exclude her aunt's racist boyfriend from this year's Thanksgiving dinner.

I liked your recommendation, but perhaps something more blunt is called for: "Your boyfriend is a jerk. We're all tired of him and don't want to share our holiday with him. He needs to stay home."

-- Blunt

Dear Blunt: Excluding this family member's romantic partner will likely lead to the aunt's exclusion, too. If family members are willing to deal with this drama, then yes -- they could definitely choose the more blunt statement.

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribpub.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook. Amy Dickinson's memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them" (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.)